Painful Memories

The other day I was getting ready for work in my bathroom,

our bathroom has mirrors almost every direction you turn,

and I caught a glimpse of my stomach and told Dustin that it looked like a "mom belly".

C'mon, you know what I mean. Kinda saggy, stretched skin, stretch marks.

And he turns and says, "Well you are a mom."

For some strange reason it came as a surprise that he considers me a mom.

I thought I was the only one who thought of me as a mom.

I don't get to carry my babies with me, and show them off.

They're only in my heart and mind.

I was with some friends the other day and they said,

"Well you wouldn't understand because you're not a mom."

And my heart broke right then and there.

Maybe I'm not actually a mom.

She said so herself.

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It's crazy how a contant battle in my own mind is if I am a mom or not.

I know I am.

I carried those babies.

I birthed those babies.

I may not have them here with me, 

My house may not be filled with toys,

I may not have to buy baby items,

but they are my babies. 

And I am a mom.

Sometimes people tell me that my miscarriages were a blessing in disguise.

I'm only 21, I'm too young to have kids.

I barely have enough to cover bills and rent, how could I afford a child?

But my life would change so dramatically if I had my children. They would always come first no matter what.

My babies dying and being in heaven instead of here on Earth is not a blessing. Not one bit.

I've battled with this for several years now,

but I just step back and remember,

I am a Mom.

And to all babyloss momma's who may be reading this,

You are a Mom too.

It never changes

Press Play on that little sucker,

and then continue reading :)

When I was younger, my Dad died,

8 days after I turned 11, I didn't really know how to handle it.

It messed me up for years.

Anytime I got sad, for any reason,

my mind always went to my Dad,

and the sadness grew.

So what did I do?

Bottle it up.

Keep on going.

Stick a smile on my face.

Eventually it blew up in my face,

bad choices led to me wanting to end my life,

[you can read about it here and here]

and I started to learn that sometimes you have to let it out.

Do you have a specific song that gets you every time?

The song above gets me no matter what.

But now, everything leads me to my dad,

and my daughter.

Something I never thought I would say.

My Dad and my daughter are both in heaven.

Both looking down on me.

I'm happy he is with her,

but I'm miserable that they both aren't with me.

I'm learning to let things out, 

don't let it all build up until I see no way out.

And you help with that.

You read my posts,

you comment, 

you spread encouragement through social media,

you build relationships,

you give me reason.

Thank you.

Sometimes, there are only words.

Hi babygirl.

Mommy misses you terribly.

Right before I lost you, I got to the point where I found myself touching my belly without meaning to.

I miss that. I miss you.

This would be your first holiday season. 

You would be crawling!

How crazy is that thought?

I hope you're having fun up there with your grandpa.

Ha, grandpa. Something you wouldn't have if you were here with me.

I know he is taking great care of you, he took great care of me.

You are in my mind all the time.

Since Arianna has been here, I let her wear your clothes sometimes.

She is so stinking cute in them! I know you would be too.

I bet you'd have mommy's blonde hair :)

I don't buy you things anymore, but I cherish my suitcase full of your things.

You influence my daily life, I will make a difference for you Izzy.

I promise, I have to make you proud(and grandpa!).

I hope you look down on me and are thankful that I'm your mommy.

I love you beautiful.

Love,

your heartbroken momma 

Is anybody out there?

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world dealing with babyloss,

then I remember how many ladies this really affects,

and how many of my sweet readers it affects.

I wish I was the only one.

I would never in a million years wish for this heartache to be felt by another person.

It's not fair.

As most of you got from "The Struggling Cyster",

I have PCOS.

Because of this, I rarely have a period,

(somehow I have gotten pregnant twice...guess who now believes in miracles?)

so I commonly take pregnancy tests.

At least one a month.

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And when I see two line, or a plus sign,

I cry.

Happy tears, sad tears, scared tears.

What if I lose this baby too?

Can I truly handle miscarrying AGAIN!?

What if this baby makes it full term?

Will it be healthy?

Will it have problems?

Will it be stillborn?

I wonder, 

do moms without any problems or scares ever feel this way?

I don't know how those women feel.

But I sure hope that most women aren't scared every single day.

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I took a pregnancy test last week,

and I will take one next week.

Then I won't for a long while, because Dustin and I are apart for 5 months.

Deep down inside, I always hope for that positive,

even when every ounce of me knows it is a negative.

I honestly don't care if my baby has problems, or my baby is not perfect to someone else.

It will always be perfect to me.

And I want it just the way it is.

One day I will have children.

They may not come out of me,

but they will be mine.

And lord help us all,

I will be the queen of mommy bloggers once that day arrives ;)