Will my battle ever end?

I feel like I am constantly at war with myself.

At war with society.

At war with family, friends, maybe even you?

I don't know where I stand on many issues in life,

I really don't.

I know I'm young, I'm only 20.

But by 20, shouldn't I have my own set of beliefs?

Should I still be changing my beliefs like middle school crushes?

I've written about this before here.

But this time I'm telling you why my beliefs keep changing.

Why this war keeps raging on.

When I was younger, I used to go to church.

Only for Missionettes,

but that's better than nothing right?

I loved it!

I loved God, my girls, my church. 

I loved it all.

via

Somewhere in there,

in all the Bible readings, the memorization of verses, the camps&retreats,

somewhere something changed in me.

I started questioning everything I was learning and reading.

My Dad was surely a man of God...wasn't he?

We didn't go to Church, but he always carried a token with the Serenity Prayer on it.

He always helped others, even if he went without.

He adopted me, both for me and himself.

But he used to drink and use drugs.

He quit. He got help.

He regularly attended AA and NA, as did I.

But did God forgive him?

At what point can God not forgive you anymore?

Some say he can forgive anything,

some say he can't.

Are drugs and drinking past the line?

Or is that line meant for more serious things like rape and murder?

How do you know when one goes too far past that line?

Can you ever return?

These questions in my mind ate away at me at Church. 

The more questions I asked, the more that were aked back.

I was judged. Bad.

"Your mom is a lesbian..Don't you know she's going to hell?"

"Since both your parents are gay, you're going to be too you know... you're all going to rot in hell together."

"You like bands like KISS? You know they worship the devil don't you?"

I left the Church.

I left the Bible.

I left God.

via

I was happy with my decision. 

My life got so much simpler.

I grew up, the girls grew up.

That was that.

Then there was a bad time in life.

(I posted about it yesterday, read it here)

I didn't know who to turn to, who to help.

I crossed that line.

I knew it. 

There was no way out.

I either died, or I chose God.

How dare my mind make that a hard decision for me.

How dare my mind take me into those dark places.

How dare God let me go there.

That's how I made my choice.

But guess what?

I'm still here.

God showed me that even when I want to make my own decisions,

even when I think there's no other way,

no one  left to save me.

There he is.

He made his choice, and it finalized mine.

Okay, I get it.

You made your point.

I'm here God.

I'm hanging on.

Thank you.

Have you ever hit rock bottom?

I most certainly have. 

I have made so many mistakes in life, and I'm only 20.

I wouldn't go back and change any though. 

No regrets.

My senior year in High School I got wrapped up in a world I never thought possible.

I did stupid things, so many stupid things.

Horrible, harmful things. 

I hit rock bottom.

It just hit me, I woke up one morning wondering what the point of waking up was?

Why should I go to school?

I have no friends left.

Why should I leave my room?

My family has no love for me.

Why should I talk to my boyfriend?

Surely he doesn't love me.

The whole world was resting on my shoulders and not on person cared.

On the happiest night I had in what seemed like years,

I decided it was time.

via

It just so happened I was with a group of friends and we were out of town.

I took a bunch of pills.

I continued ice skating the night away.

I was finally free, that huge weight on my shoulders?

Gone.

I had an amazing night.

I remember getting in the car.

Middle of the backseat. Safe and Snug.

I remember eating lemonheads.

But where did they come from?

I remember listening to music.

My heart was racing.

I remember my friends yelling at me.

I couldn't sit up.

I remember the look of panic on her face.

Why can't I stop laughing?

I remember the anger and hurt in her eyes.

I couldn't say I love you.

I woke up the next morning in my living room.

Glasses no where to be found ( I'm nearly blind people!)

I went in my room panicking, found my boyfriend passed out on the couch.

I begged him to tell me what was going on.

Where am I? What happened? How did I get home?

He had no answers.

How did he have no answers?

My room was a mess...

food everywhere,

clothes everywhere.

What happened last night?

I called my best friend.

She was furious.

She was sad.

She was scared.

She told me my boyfriend carried me inside.

Asked me what I took...I had no idea!

Filled in the pieces as best as she could.

via

I went to a Psychiatric Facility 2 days later.

I stayed for a week.

My life changed for the better.

I am so thankful I have a best friend who will always stand by my side,

even when I do so many wrongs.

I'm thankful for a family who didn't want to see me go, but knew I needed help they could no longer give me.

I'm thankful for said boyfriend taking that as his hint to leave, I'm who I am because you ruined me.

But I don't regret you.

I don't regret my choices.

I don't regret that night.

I have not done any drugs, drank, self mutilated, 

thought about suicide, or given up hope since that night.

I am so strong.

I will always be there for you.

I can get through 

a n y t h i n g.

Truth be told..

I learned something these past couple weeks.

I learned that sometimes the right choice, is not the easiest. Or the one that you want to make.

Sometimes the best choice hurts.

This is my version of alcohol.
&I could use some of that right now!
;)

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Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah is often known as the 'weeping prophet' because he wept over other sins and judgement when they would not listen to him or take his warning seriously.

How, oh how, did Jeremiah live his life without going crazy!?

These past couple of weeks, I have made some of the toughest decisions of my life.

I have been going through so many things.

I know my blog has been kind of a Debbie-Downer breeding ground lately,

and for that I am truly sorry.

But I believe in order to be your friend, and to be a good blogger,

I need to be honest.

Even when my honesty is as pretty as that DIY you saw on the last blog.

I withdrew from college.

I got kicked out of my house(I'm back now-no worries!).

I suffered through the due date of my baby girl without her.

I fought with my boyfriend.

I cried, Oh man did I cry.

Yet here I am.

I'm okay,

I'm alive,

I'm healthy,

I have all of my needs taken care of,

So why am I fretting over the little things?

I need to be grateful for 

every.single.thing.I.have.

So I wanna begin, by thanking every single reader of this blog.

You are what keeps me going.

I love blogging, but blogging would be nothing

without you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I love all of you!

xoxo Meghan

Please ignore the no-makeup!

P.S. New weekly blog series starting tomorrow!

I believe in a thing called Love part 1

(This has nothing to do with the song I believe in a thing called love, sorry for misleading you!)

I wrote a similar speech for class, and it went so well and my message was so powerful that I wanted to share it here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I believe that love is love.

I believe that God loves everyone &

I believe that no one should ever die because of who they love.

I want to tell you a story.

About a young man named Matthew Shepherd. 

He was not much older than you or me, he was 21.

He had traveled abroad with his family.

He was extremely smart, and was studying political science/foreign relations/and languages.

One night 2 men offered him a ride and brutally beat him.

They proceeded to tie him up to a fence post,

where he remained for 18 hours alone in freezing temperatures.

The next morning, a cyclist spotted him, at first mistaking him for a scarecrow.

When help arrived on the scene, they noticed a small deer had nested beside him for what appeared to have been the whole night.

So maybe Matthew was not truly alone during this time.

An eye witness reported that, “Shepherd was beaten so brutally that his face was completely covered in blood, except where it had been partially washed clean by his tears.”

He remained in critical conditions for 5 days, before passing away.

This crime was against everything that Matthew ever was or believed in.

Matthew’s Parents started the Matthew Shephard Foundation to persuade people to think differently, behave differently, and inform others of the importance and value of diversity.

No matter how familiar I am with this story, each time I hear it my heart breaks, and anger builds up inside me.

Our God-My God- loves everyone.

My God does not condone murderers.

My God does not condone hate.

So why, do my God’s followers hate on homosexuals?

Why do my God’s followers judge?

You may not agree with Gay Rights, Gay Marriage, or homosexuality in general, but I bet that you do not believe in murder either. 

I bet you believe this is wrong as much as I do.

I grew up with a lesbian mother.

And a gay father.

What does it matter to you, if she loves a girl or a boy?

It’s all love.

It’s all hers, not yours

You can love whoever you want, and I promise you, I will never judge you. So please give me, my mom, and the rest of humanity,that respect as well.

An extremely popular Lesbian singer, Melissa Ethridge, wrote a song about Matthew called Scarecrow. In her song, she tells you the same story I told you. The songs ends hauntingly with this, 

“Scarecrow crying 

Waiting to die wondering why 

Scarecrow trying 

Rising above all in the name of love”

Sometimes I wish to change my mom, but most of the time, I just wish to change society. 

Change in the mind of bigots. 

Change in the mind of our youth, our ancestors, in everyone around us. 

Change in the mind of our politicians. 

Change in you, and change in me.  

So open your mind and heart to the thought of change, do this for Matthew. 

Change is what will stop this.

You are who you are.

You love who you love.

And that’s just how it is.

It is NOT a choice.

-Judy Shepherd

If you are interested in more information on this topic, his mother wrote a book called, The Meaning Of Matthew.

xoxo Meghan

"Jesus Freak"

Before I started school at The Naz, I always referred to the students as "Jesus Freaks"

I mean come on!

Chapel three times a week and Church?!

Now I go to school at The Naz.

I am not religious.

I do not attend Church.

I don't call myself a Christian.

I do believe in God.

I do pray.

Right now, I am in a class where we study the Bible.

I did not own a Bible before this class.

I went to our local Gospel Supply shop and bought this.

(only mine was 44.99...whattt!?)

I love this thing!

It is so much different than any other Bible I have seen...I will show you the inside one day.

Anyways...on with my point.

As I am reading Genesis I see this:

Find a quiet place where you won't be interrupted. Light a few candles--enough that you can read what follows.

Read Genesis 1:26-27. Several Times. Out loud. Emphasize different words. Savor the feel of truth rolling around your mouth. Hear it drift into the shadows as you speak.

You are wonderously made.

Deliberately Made.

Not a creature of coincidence.

Not a random consequence.

Wonderously.

Deliberately.

Made.

Crafted by God.

Crafted for a purpose, a promise.

A gift not to be squandered.

Or cheapened.

Or tossed aside by other...or yourself.

Wonderous.

Deliberate.

Loved.

Loved in a way that cannot be ignored.

Loved with a passion that inspires a response.

How will you respond to God's love?

Embrace it? Reject it?

Either way, it's a response.

Respond.

Respond now...right now.

With words...or tears...or laughter.

Soak in God's love. Open your hands, you heart, to it.

You were made for it.

&Just so you have the verse and don't have to go finding it, here it is :

Genesis 1:26-27

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ²⁶ Then God said, “Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground.”

 ²⁷ So God created human beings in his own image.

      In the image of God he created them;

      male and female he created them.

Just remember how amazing you are and that you have a purpose.

<3

xoxo Meghan

ps. I am scheduling this for the time I will be in Chapel, I felt like that was the next best thing to getting this hot off the press ;)