The other day I was getting ready for work in my bathroom,
our bathroom has mirrors almost every direction you turn,
and I caught a glimpse of my stomach and told Dustin that it looked like a "mom belly".
C'mon, you know what I mean. Kinda saggy, stretched skin, stretch marks.
And he turns and says, "Well you are a mom."
For some strange reason it came as a surprise that he considers me a mom.
I thought I was the only one who thought of me as a mom.
I don't get to carry my babies with me, and show them off.
They're only in my heart and mind.
I was with some friends the other day and they said,
"Well you wouldn't understand because you're not a mom."
And my heart broke right then and there.
Maybe I'm not actually a mom.
She said so herself.
It's crazy how a contant battle in my own mind is if I am a mom or not.
I know I am.
I carried those babies.
I birthed those babies.
I may not have them here with me,
My house may not be filled with toys,
I may not have to buy baby items,
but they are my babies.
And I am a mom.
Sometimes people tell me that my miscarriages were a blessing in disguise.
I'm only 21, I'm too young to have kids.
I barely have enough to cover bills and rent, how could I afford a child?
But my life would change so dramatically if I had my children. They would always come first no matter what.
My babies dying and being in heaven instead of here on Earth is not a blessing. Not one bit.
I've battled with this for several years now,
but I just step back and remember,
I am a Mom.
And to all babyloss momma's who may be reading this,
You are a Mom too.