Thursday, August 9, 2012

Have you ever hit rock bottom?

I most certainly have. 

I have made so many mistakes in life, and I'm only 20.
I wouldn't go back and change any though. 
No regrets.

My senior year in High School I got wrapped up in a world I never thought possible.
I did stupid things, so many stupid things.
Horrible, harmful things. 

I hit rock bottom.

It just hit me, I woke up one morning wondering what the point of waking up was?
Why should I go to school?
I have no friends left.
Why should I leave my room?
My family has no love for me.
Why should I talk to my boyfriend?
Surely he doesn't love me.
The whole world was resting on my shoulders and not on person cared.

On the happiest night I had in what seemed like years,
I decided it was time.


It just so happened I was with a group of friends and we were out of town.
I took a bunch of pills.
I continued ice skating the night away.
I was finally free, that huge weight on my shoulders?
I had an amazing night.

I remember getting in the car.
Middle of the backseat. Safe and Snug.
I remember eating lemonheads.
But where did they come from?
I remember listening to music.
My heart was racing.
I remember my friends yelling at me.
I couldn't sit up.
I remember the look of panic on her face.
Why can't I stop laughing?
I remember the anger and hurt in her eyes.
I couldn't say I love you.

I woke up the next morning in my living room.
Glasses no where to be found ( I'm nearly blind people!)
I went in my room panicking, found my boyfriend passed out on the couch.
I begged him to tell me what was going on.
Where am I? What happened? How did I get home?

He had no answers.
How did he have no answers?

My room was a mess...
food everywhere,
clothes everywhere.
What happened last night?

I called my best friend.
She was furious.
She was sad.
She was scared.

She told me my boyfriend carried me inside.
Asked me what I took...I had no idea!
Filled in the pieces as best as she could.


I went to a Psychiatric Facility 2 days later.
I stayed for a week.
My life changed for the better.

I am so thankful I have a best friend who will always stand by my side,
even when I do so many wrongs.
I'm thankful for a family who didn't want to see me go, but knew I needed help they could no longer give me.
I'm thankful for said boyfriend taking that as his hint to leave, I'm who I am because you ruined me.

But I don't regret you.
I don't regret my choices.
I don't regret that night.

I have not done any drugs, drank, self mutilated, 
thought about suicide, or given up hope since that night.

I am so strong.
I will always be there for you.
I can get through 
a n y t h i n g.

3 comments: said...

Dear Meghan,
I don't think iv'e ever told you what a great person you are. I often regret not telling you. Your a Great Person. I'm glad your comfortable in your skin now. I know how rough it can be for us to finally feel that way and what people go through to find it. If you ever need a little chat chit (chit chat) LOL. im always here to listen. So proud of you I miss you. And i hope you get all you want outta life. If you want to take a couple minutes i also have something i struggle though still everyday i hope your willing to look at my site also ;0)
Your friend always, Nikki Emerine

Brooke @ Covered in Grace said...

Meghan... you really are so amazing to pour your heart out the way that you do here. Your words are reaching people, whether they comment or not, in ways that you can't even imagine. I've already read your post, Will my Battle Ever end?, and I am so proud of you, so happy for you...that you've found your path.

Keep your eyes focused up!! =)

Brittany T. said...

Dear meghan...i do apologize for not being around as much..we get busy, but want to tell you that you'll ALWAYS have a friend in me..wayyyy over here lol. I am amazed at how you've poured out your heart and the not so pretty moments of your ARE so strong, so beautiful, and i AM SO GLAD that I've met you through blogging. I too have had suicidal thoughts years ago--ive never talked about it on the blog yet, so i can relate to how down you were feeling. the part where you said you didnt have ONE friend, no family or boyfriend to love or were questioning their love--to me, that's the devil trying to fill us with LIES! the truth is--YOU ARE LOVED! this post encourages me that im not alone in struggles or doubt..because just last night i was feeling gloomy. thanks girl! xoxoxox