Painful Memories

The other day I was getting ready for work in my bathroom,

our bathroom has mirrors almost every direction you turn,

and I caught a glimpse of my stomach and told Dustin that it looked like a "mom belly".

C'mon, you know what I mean. Kinda saggy, stretched skin, stretch marks.

And he turns and says, "Well you are a mom."

For some strange reason it came as a surprise that he considers me a mom.

I thought I was the only one who thought of me as a mom.

I don't get to carry my babies with me, and show them off.

They're only in my heart and mind.

I was with some friends the other day and they said,

"Well you wouldn't understand because you're not a mom."

And my heart broke right then and there.

Maybe I'm not actually a mom.

She said so herself.

via

It's crazy how a contant battle in my own mind is if I am a mom or not.

I know I am.

I carried those babies.

I birthed those babies.

I may not have them here with me, 

My house may not be filled with toys,

I may not have to buy baby items,

but they are my babies. 

And I am a mom.

Sometimes people tell me that my miscarriages were a blessing in disguise.

I'm only 21, I'm too young to have kids.

I barely have enough to cover bills and rent, how could I afford a child?

But my life would change so dramatically if I had my children. They would always come first no matter what.

My babies dying and being in heaven instead of here on Earth is not a blessing. Not one bit.

I've battled with this for several years now,

but I just step back and remember,

I am a Mom.

And to all babyloss momma's who may be reading this,

You are a Mom too.