Saturday, July 27, 2013

Painful Memories

The other day I was getting ready for work in my bathroom,
our bathroom has mirrors almost every direction you turn,
and I caught a glimpse of my stomach and told Dustin that it looked like a "mom belly".

C'mon, you know what I mean. Kinda saggy, stretched skin, stretch marks.
And he turns and says, "Well you are a mom."

For some strange reason it came as a surprise that he considers me a mom.
I thought I was the only one who thought of me as a mom.
I don't get to carry my babies with me, and show them off.
They're only in my heart and mind.

I was with some friends the other day and they said,
"Well you wouldn't understand because you're not a mom."
And my heart broke right then and there.
Maybe I'm not actually a mom.
She said so herself.

It's crazy how a contant battle in my own mind is if I am a mom or not.
I know I am.
I carried those babies.
I birthed those babies.
I may not have them here with me, 
My house may not be filled with toys,
I may not have to buy baby items,
but they are my babies. 
And I am a mom.

Sometimes people tell me that my miscarriages were a blessing in disguise.
I'm only 21, I'm too young to have kids.
I barely have enough to cover bills and rent, how could I afford a child?

But my life would change so dramatically if I had my children. They would always come first no matter what.
My babies dying and being in heaven instead of here on Earth is not a blessing. Not one bit.

I've battled with this for several years now,
but I just step back and remember,
I am a Mom.

And to all babyloss momma's who may be reading this,
You are a Mom too.


Amanda said...

You are so, so right. It is painful, it is frustrating, it is heart wrenching. But you are so right, we ARE mamas.

Angela Peters said...

You are spot on, we are mom's <3

Leslie McCain said...

You are a Mom and are blessed to be traveling the path that the Lord has you on.