Friday, July 13, 2012

Is anybody out there?

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world dealing with babyloss,
then I remember how many ladies this really affects,
and how many of my sweet readers it affects.
I wish I was the only one.
I would never in a million years wish for this heartache to be felt by another person.

It's not fair.

As most of you got from "The Struggling Cyster",
I have PCOS.

Because of this, I rarely have a period,
(somehow I have gotten pregnant twice...guess who now believes in miracles?)
so I commonly take pregnancy tests.
At least one a month.

And when I see two line, or a plus sign,
I cry.
Happy tears, sad tears, scared tears.

What if I lose this baby too?
Can I truly handle miscarrying AGAIN!?

What if this baby makes it full term?
Will it be healthy?
Will it have problems?
Will it be stillborn?

I wonder, 
do moms without any problems or scares ever feel this way?

I don't know how those women feel.
But I sure hope that most women aren't scared every single day.

I took a pregnancy test last week,
and I will take one next week.

Then I won't for a long while, because Dustin and I are apart for 5 months.

Deep down inside, I always hope for that positive,
even when every ounce of me knows it is a negative.

I honestly don't care if my baby has problems, or my baby is not perfect to someone else.
It will always be perfect to me.
And I want it just the way it is.

One day I will have children.
They may not come out of me,
but they will be mine.

And lord help us all,
I will be the queen of mommy bloggers once that day arrives ;)


Brittany T. said...

Oh meghan, your heart is so beautiful! you're right, i dont understand what you are going through. Ive never been pregnant and never lost a child, but i can imagine the pain and heartache you experience. For that, Im sending you a hug! I love your real, raw writing here! I love that you wrote :
"I honestly don't care if my baby has problems, or my baby is not perfect to someone else.
It will always be perfect to me.
And I want it just the way it is." this makes me smile because i was not a perfect healthy baby for my parents..well I was until they saw that i wasnt perfect as i started to grow-try to sit and walk. Imperfect can be perfect!! I share your feelings about whether the baby is from you or not, it will be yours! xo

Kristina said...

Aww, Megan! I didn't realize you guys were trying to have a baby! As a fellow PCOSer, I understand what you are going through. Although we have never "tried" to get pregnant, I was constantly fearful what I thought would be my infertile future. As we both know, some things just happen for a reason and the fact that you CAN get pregnant is a great start. I can't imagine what it must feel like to lose a child although I have been scared almost every day for the last 8 months. We recently had a scare and had to go to the hospital to get looked at. THANK GOD, everything was ok, but it made me realize that the worrying will NEVER end. Worrying about getting pregnant > worrying about passing the first 12 weeks > Worrying about abnormalities > Worrying about feeling baby move > Worrying about how you and baby will be during labour > Worrying about SIDS > Worrying about them every single day of their life, lol..
This is such a ramble of a comment so I apologize but if you ever need to chat I'm here
Kristina xoxo