Friday, August 10, 2012

Will my battle ever end?

I feel like I am constantly at war with myself.
At war with society.
At war with family, friends, maybe even you?

I don't know where I stand on many issues in life,
I really don't.

I know I'm young, I'm only 20.
But by 20, shouldn't I have my own set of beliefs?
Should I still be changing my beliefs like middle school crushes?

I've written about this before here.

But this time I'm telling you why my beliefs keep changing.
Why this war keeps raging on.

When I was younger, I used to go to church.
Only for Missionettes,
but that's better than nothing right?

I loved it!
I loved God, my girls, my church. 
I loved it all.

Somewhere in there,
in all the Bible readings, the memorization of verses, the camps&retreats,
somewhere something changed in me.

I started questioning everything I was learning and reading.

My Dad was surely a man of God...wasn't he?
We didn't go to Church, but he always carried a token with the Serenity Prayer on it.
He always helped others, even if he went without.
He adopted me, both for me and himself.
But he used to drink and use drugs.

He quit. He got help.
He regularly attended AA and NA, as did I.
But did God forgive him?

At what point can God not forgive you anymore?
Some say he can forgive anything,
some say he can't.
Are drugs and drinking past the line?
Or is that line meant for more serious things like rape and murder?

How do you know when one goes too far past that line?
Can you ever return?

These questions in my mind ate away at me at Church. 
The more questions I asked, the more that were aked back.

I was judged. Bad.

"Your mom is a lesbian..Don't you know she's going to hell?"
"Since both your parents are gay, you're going to be too you know... you're all going to rot in hell together."
"You like bands like KISS? You know they worship the devil don't you?"

I left the Church.
I left the Bible.
I left God.


I was happy with my decision. 
My life got so much simpler.
I grew up, the girls grew up.
That was that.

Then there was a bad time in life.
(I posted about it yesterday, read it here)
I didn't know who to turn to, who to help.
I crossed that line.
I knew it. 
There was no way out.

I either died, or I chose God.

How dare my mind make that a hard decision for me.
How dare my mind take me into those dark places.
How dare God let me go there.
That's how I made my choice.

But guess what?
I'm still here.
God showed me that even when I want to make my own decisions,
even when I think there's no other way,
no one  left to save me.
There he is.
He made his choice, and it finalized mine.

Okay, I get it.
You made your point.
I'm here God.
I'm hanging on.
Thank you.


Brooke @ Covered in Grace said...

Oh Meghan... I can't tell you how happy I am to read this... to see you heart here on the pages of your blog like this.

Keep hanging on!
Call on him whenever, no matter how big or small it may seem.
I am lifting you up to him girl!

Love you!!!

Amanda said...

Girl you are not alone! Hitting rock bottom, holding on - I'm right there with you. At some point we all get to that place where we either let go of it all or just beg HIM to take it because we can't do it any more. I'm praying for you! said...

He will never leave or forsake you!

Brittany T. said...

oh dear meghan! He is always there for you..whenever!! even if you drift away. He'll be there with you and FOR you! really, the people that judge us..sometimes don't even look at themselves..are they leading a perfect, sinless life? NOPE, because we are all flawed in some way at some time, but the beauty is that with God, he can make us whole, make us complete..we have hope in him. love you girl!