Painful Memories

The other day I was getting ready for work in my bathroom,

our bathroom has mirrors almost every direction you turn,

and I caught a glimpse of my stomach and told Dustin that it looked like a "mom belly".

C'mon, you know what I mean. Kinda saggy, stretched skin, stretch marks.

And he turns and says, "Well you are a mom."

For some strange reason it came as a surprise that he considers me a mom.

I thought I was the only one who thought of me as a mom.

I don't get to carry my babies with me, and show them off.

They're only in my heart and mind.

I was with some friends the other day and they said,

"Well you wouldn't understand because you're not a mom."

And my heart broke right then and there.

Maybe I'm not actually a mom.

She said so herself.

via

It's crazy how a contant battle in my own mind is if I am a mom or not.

I know I am.

I carried those babies.

I birthed those babies.

I may not have them here with me, 

My house may not be filled with toys,

I may not have to buy baby items,

but they are my babies. 

And I am a mom.

Sometimes people tell me that my miscarriages were a blessing in disguise.

I'm only 21, I'm too young to have kids.

I barely have enough to cover bills and rent, how could I afford a child?

But my life would change so dramatically if I had my children. They would always come first no matter what.

My babies dying and being in heaven instead of here on Earth is not a blessing. Not one bit.

I've battled with this for several years now,

but I just step back and remember,

I am a Mom.

And to all babyloss momma's who may be reading this,

You are a Mom too.

Distractions

If you check out my blog on a regular basis, it would look like I fell off the face of the Earth.

In reality between all of lifes distractions, Social Media has taken over my only online life.

I am back now, and hopefully I don't leave again for months and months at a time, but if I were you I would head on over to my sidebar and follow me on Instagram&Twitter, I am only slightly addicted!

If you check back in tomorrow, I will give you a slight peek inside our new apartment!
I am thrilled to share all the DIY's as I decorate with junk i collect on a budget :)

It never changes

Press Play on that little sucker,

and then continue reading :)

When I was younger, my Dad died,

8 days after I turned 11, I didn't really know how to handle it.

It messed me up for years.

Anytime I got sad, for any reason,

my mind always went to my Dad,

and the sadness grew.

So what did I do?

Bottle it up.

Keep on going.

Stick a smile on my face.

Eventually it blew up in my face,

bad choices led to me wanting to end my life,

[you can read about it here and here]

and I started to learn that sometimes you have to let it out.

Do you have a specific song that gets you every time?

The song above gets me no matter what.

But now, everything leads me to my dad,

and my daughter.

Something I never thought I would say.

My Dad and my daughter are both in heaven.

Both looking down on me.

I'm happy he is with her,

but I'm miserable that they both aren't with me.

I'm learning to let things out, 

don't let it all build up until I see no way out.

And you help with that.

You read my posts,

you comment, 

you spread encouragement through social media,

you build relationships,

you give me reason.

Thank you.

When it all fell down...

...literally!

Dustin and I share the master bedroom of the trailer.

(We live here with my mom & her girlfriend)

We have the only closet in the house.

I let my mom's girlfriend use it,

I use it,

Dustin uses it,

Our board games live here,

most of my baby stuff lives here.

And well,

my closet decided it was DONE.

At 5 am it decided to come down,

every.last.thing.

Dustin and I woke up convinced that someone broke in and we were going to die.

I'm not sure how much of a relief the mess was ;)

The photo above is after an hour of cleaning and getting the shelf to barely hang there while empty.

Pain in my butt.

Excuse me in motion, looking quite the mess.

But this is what our room ended up looking like.

A disaster.

A headache.

A money hungry closet.

I did the only thing I knew how,

called Grandpa.

He always saves the day.

He is pretty amazing.

My closet is not fixed, but it is standing!

And next month we are tearing everything out and installing some new shelves and rods and cabinets!

Is this how you know you are growing up?

When closet organizing becomes exciting?

Anyways, life only gets better from here ;)