Is anybody out there?

Sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world dealing with babyloss,

then I remember how many ladies this really affects,

and how many of my sweet readers it affects.

I wish I was the only one.

I would never in a million years wish for this heartache to be felt by another person.

It's not fair.

As most of you got from "The Struggling Cyster",

I have PCOS.

Because of this, I rarely have a period,

(somehow I have gotten pregnant twice...guess who now believes in miracles?)

so I commonly take pregnancy tests.

At least one a month.

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And when I see two line, or a plus sign,

I cry.

Happy tears, sad tears, scared tears.

What if I lose this baby too?

Can I truly handle miscarrying AGAIN!?

What if this baby makes it full term?

Will it be healthy?

Will it have problems?

Will it be stillborn?

I wonder, 

do moms without any problems or scares ever feel this way?

I don't know how those women feel.

But I sure hope that most women aren't scared every single day.

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I took a pregnancy test last week,

and I will take one next week.

Then I won't for a long while, because Dustin and I are apart for 5 months.

Deep down inside, I always hope for that positive,

even when every ounce of me knows it is a negative.

I honestly don't care if my baby has problems, or my baby is not perfect to someone else.

It will always be perfect to me.

And I want it just the way it is.

One day I will have children.

They may not come out of me,

but they will be mine.

And lord help us all,

I will be the queen of mommy bloggers once that day arrives ;)

The beginning of time..

My first post ever on this lovely blog,

March 26, 2011

Who am I?

My name is Meghan. I am 18. Young, ordinary, and slightly naive. I live 600 miles away from my home, my friends and my family. But I'm not the girl that you may think I am. I've lived through more than I ever should have. And I've made more stupid mistakes than I ever wanted.

But people mess up, always. No one is perfect, nor do I ever expect to be.

I'm writing this blog as a way to free my mind, make friends, and help myself.

Don't like what I write? Don't read it.

Going through the same thing? Tell me.

I'm not just here for me; I am here for you too.

I'm tired of being alone in my thoughts, and this is the safest way I could think to let them out.

Crazy, how "the safest way" I can let my feelings out is by sharing things with the internet. The whole world can share in my happiness, sadness, mistakes, and miracles. But this is what I want. I want to share this. I want to be a part of your life. Even if you only spend 5 minutes a day reading my blog.

xoxo-Meghan

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Wow.

I never remeber writing this.

And I love it.

Is it wrong to be in love with my own post? hehe

 

Missed Connection

I've always wondered if someone would ever have THAT much of an interest in me, 

to make a missed connections ad on craigslist.

Not that I've ever even looked at them,

but I think I'd feel pretty dang special.

Wouldn't you?

Years ago I was dating this guy,

he was amazing.

I loved him more than I thought possible.

But I messed things up.

Even though I'm not proud of it,

or particularly happy.

I wouldn't have Dustin or my angel baby had it not happened.

Sometimes I still miss him.

We had a rough breakup.

The day we broke up, 

he deleted me from his life.

I haven't heard from him again.

It's been two and a half years.

I still creep his facebook sometimes.

I still have his number.

But I don't try.

Because I am happy where I am.

But if for some reason he sees this,

I just wanted him to know I'm sorry.

I messed up, and I know it.

And sometimes it still breaks my heart to know I hurt him.

But I love my life now.

And it just so happens that he isn't a part of it.

The truth hurts.

I'm sorry CRS.

From the bottom of my heart.

Sparks Fly

Do you ever think about how much we take for granted?

Like...

electricity?

Well until this week I haven't thought about it much.

We lost power on Friday,

and here it is Wednesday and we don't have it.

Thankfully I am at a friends house sitting and she does!

But that's why you haven't seen me.

And I am gonna throw some random old photos in here for looks :)

Happy 4th guys!