Monday, January 23, 2012

Life is complicated...

I have been debating this blog post since October. This is probably one of the hardest things I have done. Writing these words, my heart is breaking. I chose to write this in a public place, a place where I cannot let myself have a panic attack, a place where I must remain calm. At least on the outside.

In October, I had a miscarriage. At home. Alone. Not many people knew I had found out I was pregnant. I was not ready to tell people yet, by the time I was comfortable with it, I lost my baby. I never found out the sex, but in my heart I knew it was a girl. I named her, Isobel Arjana. I bought her clothes, shoes, a blanket. I keep them all hidden away in a bag. I've been meaning to buy a box and make her a memorial box, I am crafty enough and by all means she deserves it. But I never did, no excuses. Every time I go look at the boxes at our craft store I get sad and leave.

Last Thursday, someone I went to High School with(she is still very young) had her twin boys 15 weeks early. My heart broke when I found out one little boy only made it 12 hours. On Saturday, the other one left this world to be with his brother. I will not say their names out of respect and privacy, but I cannot begin to imagine what she is going through right now.

I decided that now is the time to make my little Izzy's memorial box, and since I will already be there, I am going to get her one too. I am not her friend. We do not personally know each other. But she deserves this. Her little boys deserve this. Our mothers work together, and I will give it to her. I will share my story with her while I give her something to hold onto, and maybe one day she can share hers with a heartbroken mommy who needs someone.

She is a mommy. She has two angel babies watching her from above. I hate when people tell me that I am not a mother. I am a mommy, and always will be. She is incredibly strong, and I hope by reaching out to her, I can make a difference. Even if it the tiniest different in her life.

Today I leave you very heavy hearted, Please pray for her heart to heal, and for anyone you know who has lost a child too soon. <3

xoxo, Meghan


Kristina said...

Meghan! I am so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through that alone :( How far along were you? If it makes you feel any better, at you are able to get pregnant! That's great news! All things happen for a reason and as you said, you are still a mommy and always will be. Hugs and kisses! xoxoxoxox

Natalie Ensor said...

Meghan, I am so sorry you had to suffer and go through this horrific thing. My heart aches for you. Though I have never gone through this there are some amzing blogs that talk about just this. You should check them out for sure. I love that you are making her a memorial box. Reminds me of project hope, Laura blogs about that here and Kimmie from has gone through it and speaks of it on her blog. Grateful that you are a new follower and hope to get to know you better. xoxo Nat @

Meghan said...

Thanks Kristina! I never stop thinking about how amazing it is that I can get pregnant. I hope to in a couple years again :)

Meghan said...

I love both of those blogs, and yours! Project hope is simply amazing, I wish that there were something around here that I could become a part of! Thanks for the support and following me :D

Hot Hot JJ said...

I followed your link from the comment you made on my blog (thank you! I love comments) and I am so so sad to hear about your miscarriage. How scary and horrible and so sad. Thinking about you.

PS- Baby girl's name is Juliet. ;)