It never changes

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When I was younger, my Dad died,

8 days after I turned 11, I didn't really know how to handle it.

It messed me up for years.

Anytime I got sad, for any reason,

my mind always went to my Dad,

and the sadness grew.

So what did I do?

Bottle it up.

Keep on going.

Stick a smile on my face.

Eventually it blew up in my face,

bad choices led to me wanting to end my life,

[you can read about it here and here]

and I started to learn that sometimes you have to let it out.

Do you have a specific song that gets you every time?

The song above gets me no matter what.

But now, everything leads me to my dad,

and my daughter.

Something I never thought I would say.

My Dad and my daughter are both in heaven.

Both looking down on me.

I'm happy he is with her,

but I'm miserable that they both aren't with me.

I'm learning to let things out, 

don't let it all build up until I see no way out.

And you help with that.

You read my posts,

you comment, 

you spread encouragement through social media,

you build relationships,

you give me reason.

Thank you.

Sometimes, there are only words.

Hi babygirl.

Mommy misses you terribly.

Right before I lost you, I got to the point where I found myself touching my belly without meaning to.

I miss that. I miss you.

This would be your first holiday season. 

You would be crawling!

How crazy is that thought?

I hope you're having fun up there with your grandpa.

Ha, grandpa. Something you wouldn't have if you were here with me.

I know he is taking great care of you, he took great care of me.

You are in my mind all the time.

Since Arianna has been here, I let her wear your clothes sometimes.

She is so stinking cute in them! I know you would be too.

I bet you'd have mommy's blonde hair :)

I don't buy you things anymore, but I cherish my suitcase full of your things.

You influence my daily life, I will make a difference for you Izzy.

I promise, I have to make you proud(and grandpa!).

I hope you look down on me and are thankful that I'm your mommy.

I love you beautiful.

Love,

your heartbroken momma 

9 years ago

"Lately, I've been feeling like I'm sinking. I don't know if it is just part of the grief process or what. But, it sucks.
I'll be doing something completely simple, and then I will get this sinking feeling in my chest. And, it feels like my whole body is just overcome with sadness. To the point where I am afraid to breathe. Because really...This cannot be my life."  

Erika posted that on her blog shortly after she lost her dad.

My heart sank. 

I remember that feeling.

I hate that feeling.

Sometimes I still get it.

Through the roller coaster posts of her losing her dad, I cried for her.

I cried for baby El.

Do I know them?

Nope. I read her blog. 

I comment even less.

No matter how much I wanted to reach out to her, I couldnt.

But now I wish I had.

9 years ago today, I lost the greatest man in my life.

My Dad.

 

I don't have any pictures of him on my computer right now,

and this is not all I want to say.

But for today, this is enough.

Miss you Dad!

xoxo

Meghan