Sleep Number

**Disclosure: Sleep Number provided me a bed in exchange for a review. However, all opinions are my own**

Have you ever been to a Sleep Number store?

I hadn't prior to my visit and I had no idea what to expect.
I have been to other mattress stores where you walk in, lay on a few beds, and leave.

Sleep Number is not like this at all!

I went in and explained to the staff why I was there and they were so excited! The entire staff went with us through the process of choosing our bed and loved hearing about my blog and my journeys in life. I seriously felt like a celebrity!

They had me lay on  bed with a computer attached to show where I am the heaviest, then dropped me down to my sleep number to show the change in pressure on my body. The bottom part was the biggest relief ever on my lower back, I honestly couldn't believe how great it felt!

This is the bed we ultimately chose, if only we could have afforded that adjustable base ;)

It was seriously heavenly, I may just have a secret savings fund for that sucker!

These were the two beds we were able to choose from,

The M7

and The P5

This is just half the staff that we were with that day. I cannot stress enough how much I have loved everyone I met while working with this company, both in person and through email and phone conversations!

Painful Memories

The other day I was getting ready for work in my bathroom,

our bathroom has mirrors almost every direction you turn,

and I caught a glimpse of my stomach and told Dustin that it looked like a "mom belly".

C'mon, you know what I mean. Kinda saggy, stretched skin, stretch marks.

And he turns and says, "Well you are a mom."

For some strange reason it came as a surprise that he considers me a mom.

I thought I was the only one who thought of me as a mom.

I don't get to carry my babies with me, and show them off.

They're only in my heart and mind.

I was with some friends the other day and they said,

"Well you wouldn't understand because you're not a mom."

And my heart broke right then and there.

Maybe I'm not actually a mom.

She said so herself.

via

It's crazy how a contant battle in my own mind is if I am a mom or not.

I know I am.

I carried those babies.

I birthed those babies.

I may not have them here with me, 

My house may not be filled with toys,

I may not have to buy baby items,

but they are my babies. 

And I am a mom.

Sometimes people tell me that my miscarriages were a blessing in disguise.

I'm only 21, I'm too young to have kids.

I barely have enough to cover bills and rent, how could I afford a child?

But my life would change so dramatically if I had my children. They would always come first no matter what.

My babies dying and being in heaven instead of here on Earth is not a blessing. Not one bit.

I've battled with this for several years now,

but I just step back and remember,

I am a Mom.

And to all babyloss momma's who may be reading this,

You are a Mom too.

Distractions

If you check out my blog on a regular basis, it would look like I fell off the face of the Earth.

In reality between all of lifes distractions, Social Media has taken over my only online life.

I am back now, and hopefully I don't leave again for months and months at a time, but if I were you I would head on over to my sidebar and follow me on Instagram&Twitter, I am only slightly addicted!

If you check back in tomorrow, I will give you a slight peek inside our new apartment!
I am thrilled to share all the DIY's as I decorate with junk i collect on a budget :)

It never changes

Press Play on that little sucker,

and then continue reading :)

When I was younger, my Dad died,

8 days after I turned 11, I didn't really know how to handle it.

It messed me up for years.

Anytime I got sad, for any reason,

my mind always went to my Dad,

and the sadness grew.

So what did I do?

Bottle it up.

Keep on going.

Stick a smile on my face.

Eventually it blew up in my face,

bad choices led to me wanting to end my life,

[you can read about it here and here]

and I started to learn that sometimes you have to let it out.

Do you have a specific song that gets you every time?

The song above gets me no matter what.

But now, everything leads me to my dad,

and my daughter.

Something I never thought I would say.

My Dad and my daughter are both in heaven.

Both looking down on me.

I'm happy he is with her,

but I'm miserable that they both aren't with me.

I'm learning to let things out, 

don't let it all build up until I see no way out.

And you help with that.

You read my posts,

you comment, 

you spread encouragement through social media,

you build relationships,

you give me reason.

Thank you.

When it all fell down...

...literally!

Dustin and I share the master bedroom of the trailer.

(We live here with my mom & her girlfriend)

We have the only closet in the house.

I let my mom's girlfriend use it,

I use it,

Dustin uses it,

Our board games live here,

most of my baby stuff lives here.

And well,

my closet decided it was DONE.

At 5 am it decided to come down,

every.last.thing.

Dustin and I woke up convinced that someone broke in and we were going to die.

I'm not sure how much of a relief the mess was ;)

The photo above is after an hour of cleaning and getting the shelf to barely hang there while empty.

Pain in my butt.

Excuse me in motion, looking quite the mess.

But this is what our room ended up looking like.

A disaster.

A headache.

A money hungry closet.

I did the only thing I knew how,

called Grandpa.

He always saves the day.

He is pretty amazing.

My closet is not fixed, but it is standing!

And next month we are tearing everything out and installing some new shelves and rods and cabinets!

Is this how you know you are growing up?

When closet organizing becomes exciting?

Anyways, life only gets better from here ;)

Time for the Grades!

As mentioned in yesterdays post,

I am going to let you in on my true feelings on the 

Perfectly Posh products I tried.

How much are they?

Do I plan on actually buying any?

Well first,

here is a little bit about Perfectly Posh and why I think they are a great company.

 They're paraben-free and paraffin-free

• They are free of sulfates including SLS

• They have no gluten, lanolin, or soy ingredients

• They use the highest-quality essential oils and fine phthalate-free fragrances

• They are very natural and consequently gentle: read our labels, please!

• They use natural enzymes and gently moisturizing vitamin E to preserve the life and look of our fun pampering products

• They're cruelty-free and do not test on animals!

copied directly from here

Isn't that amazing!?

Now for the nitty-gritty.

Gender Bender : A+

 I am seriously in love with this soap. Perfect for the oily skin issues I have always dealt with. I plan to buy this immediately. $9 per bar

The Stripper : B 

I love this, it made my face crazy soft, and it smells good. A full container would last me ages because I would use it once or maybe twice a week. I will be buying this. However, the only reason it doesn't have an A? It's $22 per container

The Liberator : C 

To no fault of it's own, it was difficult to get a good amount out of the sample container. I either barely got any or I got a huge glob. I used it twice around my eyes and didn't really notice much. I will not be purchasing this, however if it had done anything for me, I think that it's priced fair. $12 for a stick

Sugar Fix : A

I loved this stuff. It smelled delicious, and it made my face even softer than with The Stripper alone. It's a sugar scrub and it felt good on my face, I felt clean and refreshed afterwards. I will not be purchasing this, even though I love it. It is $20 per container

I'm Baaaaacck!

I have taken the longest bloggy break ever.

seriously.

I have missed this!

[Right now I am most likely sitting in the middle of an interview! Good luck and prayers are needed!]

I have a bunch of posts I want to write, but I thought I would start with something super fun.

Like,

Perfectly Posh maybe?

I honestly don't even remember how we bumped into each other online,

but an awesome Perfectly Posh consultant sent me some samples.

I have had them for quite a while but have yet to try them because I got hit with bronchitis. 

Then the flu. 

Then a cold.

No joke, I was out for 2 or 3 weeks from this stuff!

Anyways, back to the good stuff.

She sent me a bunch of things, but I have only tried a few.

First up was the Gender Bender bar.

This stuff was heaven.

Not an exaggeration.

Pure bliss, I tell ya!

I have ridiculously oily skin,

like sometimes even after I shower and wash my face it is still oily.

After I used this it was perfect. 

Guys, my face has never not been oily.

After washing with this for a few days,

I have noticed a huge improvement with the oil.

No more washing my face 5 times a day!

After using the Gender Bender soap,

I tried out The Stripper.

(aren't you the tiniest bit interested because of the names alone? ha!)

You rub this on your face and let it sit for a while.

(like long enough to take the polish off your fingers and toes!)

I was warned it would tingle a little,

and tingle it does!

I was worried at first 

(I'm overly paranoid)

thinking maybe I was allergic,

This is how it looks once on.

Sexy huh?

Dustin thought this would be a perfect time to let me know how unattractive face masks are.

However he did say it smelled good :)

Once I took it off, my face was BABY BUTT smooth.

I was so excited I ran around my whole house and made everyone feel...

..they were not as excited.

I then hopped in the shower, 

but once I got out I put on some

Sugar Fix Scrub!

This stuff not only smells delicious,

but added to the softness of my skin!

If it were edible, 

I would surely sneak a taste.

Did I seriously say that out loud?

Finally I put on some of 

The Liberator

It's a vitamin E stick you use around your eyes.

It feels similar to chapstick ;)

Now that I have shared the most unattractive photo of me,

and talked non stop about beauty products,

you're probably wondering how much and if I liked them,

huh?

Well, I guess you will need to stop back by tomorrow and find out!

;)

Sometimes, there are only words.

Hi babygirl.

Mommy misses you terribly.

Right before I lost you, I got to the point where I found myself touching my belly without meaning to.

I miss that. I miss you.

This would be your first holiday season. 

You would be crawling!

How crazy is that thought?

I hope you're having fun up there with your grandpa.

Ha, grandpa. Something you wouldn't have if you were here with me.

I know he is taking great care of you, he took great care of me.

You are in my mind all the time.

Since Arianna has been here, I let her wear your clothes sometimes.

She is so stinking cute in them! I know you would be too.

I bet you'd have mommy's blonde hair :)

I don't buy you things anymore, but I cherish my suitcase full of your things.

You influence my daily life, I will make a difference for you Izzy.

I promise, I have to make you proud(and grandpa!).

I hope you look down on me and are thankful that I'm your mommy.

I love you beautiful.

Love,

your heartbroken momma 

'tis the season!

Every year I host something we call Cookie Bake,

we have a secret santa,

make tons of goodies(that everyone gets to take home)

make new friendships,

have fun.

But do you know what it takes to host one of these?

Money.

Time.

Commitment.

Passion.

It's hard, 

but it is worth every second and penny in the end!

This is the first year I will be sharing it all with you,

but I am the most excited for this one!

I will show you the decor, the gifts, the recipes!

Everything.

Do you have any ideas?!

365 Project

Once Arie got here,

Her mommy and I decided that we wanted to take a photo of her every day for the first year.

On her first birthday I am planning on doing something special with the photos,

any ideas? :)

At the end of each month, I will post the entire months worth to reflect on!

Better late than never

She's here!

Arianna Nicole-Eleanor

made her appearance on October 9, 2012.

I would give you all the wonderful details, but that's for another post ;)

 Mommy, and Arie.

Beautiful girls!

 Baby X and Baby A

<3

Ignore our appearances, her having a baby affects my looks too okay!?

;)

Won't Back Down

Over the weekend Ashlee and I went to see a movie.

We saw Won't Back Down,

and boy oh boy do I have some things to talk about!

via

You see, lately I had been thinking of giving up on my dream to become a teacher.

Things weren't falling into place as they should,

it was one thing after another.

I had begun to think this was my sign to start heading a different way.

And then,

this movie.

This movie made me feel the passion I have for teaching like I have never felt it before.

This movie put the love back in me.

I know why I want to be a teacher,

I remember the reason this is worth it.

No matter the hardships,

  my students will make up for it.

Always.

via

I am constantly telling myself that I'm not good enough.

I have a nonstop battle in my mind.

But I am working on it.

Right now I want to say,

I am good enough.

You are good enough.

Never give up on your dreams.

Ever.

They are your dreams for a reason.

I know I have been a bad blogger lately, 

but I'm trying to change.

I'm trying to change many things in my life,

and I am excited to share them with you :)

Canvas Nursery Art!

About a month ago we had a craft party!

We all brought snacks, made punch, and ordered pizza.

Each one of us brought the supplies for a craft to share with the others.

This one was our canvas art project, 

we decided to use paint&glitter and come up with something awesome :)

 My canvas is the black one in the bottom right.

You know, the one sopping wet with paint.

Oops.

But the Nursery one I made is the gray one above mine.

I used masking tape to put the letters

X + A

on it.

[Xavier and Arianna]

Then I covered the entire thing with mod podge,

dumped a TON of glitter on it and waited a few minutes.

Once I peeled the tape off this is what we saw. 

[For the glitter part we did it inside a cookie sheet so we could save extra and not make a huge mess]

Here is the final product!

All cleaned up and sealed on.

What was the verdict with mommy?

She loved it!

Learning new things

 My aunt started dabbling into cake decorating and fondant in the past year,

and somehow that turned in to me dabbling by her side ;)

This is a cake we made for my niece Brenna's second birthday!

Sure it could be better,

but I love it!

It's cuter than your average cake,

but not as expensive as a fancy one!

Not to mention it's fun.

The best part though is the look on her face :)

This past weekend my nephew Caleb turned 5!

I have a few posts in store for his birthday,

including his Super Mario cake!

The next post about Jay Brannan's concert is coming soon!

And TWO giveaways for a total of THREE winners!

Shadows

Just popping in for a quick Photo Challenge!

The theme is 

Shadows

&I just love how you can see ours behind us <3

Oh and in case you hadn't heard,
there was a little announcement on facebook about
a giveaway!
With TWO winners!

A Little Curious

I have a BIG announcement.

But first, a little random facts about me.

I'm terrified of butterflies.

  I moved 12 hours away to live with my boyfriend of 5 months.

 I can't wait to have babies, I would tomorrow if possible.

  90% of my family is not even related to me.

 Ashlee and I have a VERY unhealthy friendship :) We like it that way!

 To this day, Simple Plan is my favorite band.

My guilty pleasure is watching chick flicks.

I won't let my feet hang off the bed because of the "monster" underneath.

 I can successfully go through many levels of COD without ever shooting, it's a gift :)

I was adopted.

My mom is a lesbian, my dad was gay. :D:D

 I refuse to let anyone see my feet without my toenails painted.

Favorite 2 teachers, Ms. Daniels & Mrs. Crumm(who will have their own appearances on here!)

I was a debate geek in high school, and I miss it more than you can imagine.

My favorite books to read are about death/suicide/depression/drugs.

I hated popcorn until my boy's mom ate it all the time and I started to.

I was the messiest person until I had no job, no school, and no life. Now I'm a neat freak.

I hate Jim Carey, Jack Black, and Jane Lynch.

I plan to become a teacher because of my love for kids.

Monopoly=my game.

Now for the announcement....

In November I will be opening a shop!

I'm not going in to many details right now,

but I will let you know,

 it is going to have a Baby Loss line <3

its going to have ever changing content,

(of course I'll keep some things constant,

and it's called....

A Little Curious!

I can't wait to share more with you :)



Bleached Shirts and Music!

At the end of July,

I went to a Jay Brannan concert.

Don't know who he is? 

Go check him out!!

Youtube

Twitter

Facebook

Website

<3

Anyways, I have sold Jay's merch for him every time he comes to Columbus and plays, 

so of course I wanted to sell it for him this time as well!

&He always lets me bring a +1 which is awesome since I don't drive!

This year he was being lazy super busy

and didn't have time to order shirts for the show.

So what do Ashlee & I do?

Make our own!

Here's a quick DIY!

CAUTION!

IF ALLERGIC TO BLEACH THIS MAY NOT BE THE ACTIVITY FOR YOU!

[we both are...we're rebels]

Supplies:

Cardboard(for in between the layers of the shirt!)

Bleach Pen

Something to tie shirts down with

Shirt!

Directions:

1. Tie shirts down with 1 side on each part of cardboard.

2.Draw/Write on shirt with bleach pen!

3.Let sit for a few hours (ours sat for almost 12!)

4.Wash in a normal cycle-ALONE!

5.Wear&Enjoy!

The front of my shirt.

Lyrics from:

"Rob Me Blind"

Back of my shirt.

Front of Ashlee's shirt.

Lyrics from:

"Ever After Happily"

Back of Ashlee's shirt.

Sometimes and Always...

I've been seeing this idea floating around the blogosphere and decided to finally do it!

Sometimes...

...I wonder why I have no friends.

...I wish I was more "in" with blogging.

...I get random bouts of confidence(and love it!!)

Always...

...I am thankful for my friends and family.

...I'm in love with Dustin, despite the distance and hardships!

...I am proud of this little blog, and what has come from it.

...I am happy I have you!

Here's a few photos of what's been going on in my world!

Saying Goodbye to the New Grads!

 Ice cream savior during power outages!

Baby Arie a few months back, 2 months and she will be here!

(BFF's baby, not mine!)

Will my battle ever end?

I feel like I am constantly at war with myself.

At war with society.

At war with family, friends, maybe even you?

I don't know where I stand on many issues in life,

I really don't.

I know I'm young, I'm only 20.

But by 20, shouldn't I have my own set of beliefs?

Should I still be changing my beliefs like middle school crushes?

I've written about this before here.

But this time I'm telling you why my beliefs keep changing.

Why this war keeps raging on.

When I was younger, I used to go to church.

Only for Missionettes,

but that's better than nothing right?

I loved it!

I loved God, my girls, my church. 

I loved it all.

via

Somewhere in there,

in all the Bible readings, the memorization of verses, the camps&retreats,

somewhere something changed in me.

I started questioning everything I was learning and reading.

My Dad was surely a man of God...wasn't he?

We didn't go to Church, but he always carried a token with the Serenity Prayer on it.

He always helped others, even if he went without.

He adopted me, both for me and himself.

But he used to drink and use drugs.

He quit. He got help.

He regularly attended AA and NA, as did I.

But did God forgive him?

At what point can God not forgive you anymore?

Some say he can forgive anything,

some say he can't.

Are drugs and drinking past the line?

Or is that line meant for more serious things like rape and murder?

How do you know when one goes too far past that line?

Can you ever return?

These questions in my mind ate away at me at Church. 

The more questions I asked, the more that were aked back.

I was judged. Bad.

"Your mom is a lesbian..Don't you know she's going to hell?"

"Since both your parents are gay, you're going to be too you know... you're all going to rot in hell together."

"You like bands like KISS? You know they worship the devil don't you?"

I left the Church.

I left the Bible.

I left God.

via

I was happy with my decision. 

My life got so much simpler.

I grew up, the girls grew up.

That was that.

Then there was a bad time in life.

(I posted about it yesterday, read it here)

I didn't know who to turn to, who to help.

I crossed that line.

I knew it. 

There was no way out.

I either died, or I chose God.

How dare my mind make that a hard decision for me.

How dare my mind take me into those dark places.

How dare God let me go there.

That's how I made my choice.

But guess what?

I'm still here.

God showed me that even when I want to make my own decisions,

even when I think there's no other way,

no one  left to save me.

There he is.

He made his choice, and it finalized mine.

Okay, I get it.

You made your point.

I'm here God.

I'm hanging on.

Thank you.

Have you ever hit rock bottom?

I most certainly have. 

I have made so many mistakes in life, and I'm only 20.

I wouldn't go back and change any though. 

No regrets.

My senior year in High School I got wrapped up in a world I never thought possible.

I did stupid things, so many stupid things.

Horrible, harmful things. 

I hit rock bottom.

It just hit me, I woke up one morning wondering what the point of waking up was?

Why should I go to school?

I have no friends left.

Why should I leave my room?

My family has no love for me.

Why should I talk to my boyfriend?

Surely he doesn't love me.

The whole world was resting on my shoulders and not on person cared.

On the happiest night I had in what seemed like years,

I decided it was time.

via

It just so happened I was with a group of friends and we were out of town.

I took a bunch of pills.

I continued ice skating the night away.

I was finally free, that huge weight on my shoulders?

Gone.

I had an amazing night.

I remember getting in the car.

Middle of the backseat. Safe and Snug.

I remember eating lemonheads.

But where did they come from?

I remember listening to music.

My heart was racing.

I remember my friends yelling at me.

I couldn't sit up.

I remember the look of panic on her face.

Why can't I stop laughing?

I remember the anger and hurt in her eyes.

I couldn't say I love you.

I woke up the next morning in my living room.

Glasses no where to be found ( I'm nearly blind people!)

I went in my room panicking, found my boyfriend passed out on the couch.

I begged him to tell me what was going on.

Where am I? What happened? How did I get home?

He had no answers.

How did he have no answers?

My room was a mess...

food everywhere,

clothes everywhere.

What happened last night?

I called my best friend.

She was furious.

She was sad.

She was scared.

She told me my boyfriend carried me inside.

Asked me what I took...I had no idea!

Filled in the pieces as best as she could.

via

I went to a Psychiatric Facility 2 days later.

I stayed for a week.

My life changed for the better.

I am so thankful I have a best friend who will always stand by my side,

even when I do so many wrongs.

I'm thankful for a family who didn't want to see me go, but knew I needed help they could no longer give me.

I'm thankful for said boyfriend taking that as his hint to leave, I'm who I am because you ruined me.

But I don't regret you.

I don't regret my choices.

I don't regret that night.

I have not done any drugs, drank, self mutilated, 

thought about suicide, or given up hope since that night.

I am so strong.

I will always be there for you.

I can get through 

a n y t h i n g.